Wednesday, March 13, 2013

First Love

There are things I never would've talked to my mother about and things I'd like her opinion on. I've been wanting to do something for quite a long time but have felt held back---by exactly what I don't know. It's not the voice of doubt telling me I can't---I learned how to silence it. It's not that I don't know how---I know just enough to be dangerous and what I don't know, I can find out. 

In the quietness of the morning it hit me. You see I want to go back to my first love but there'd have to be a change in the relationship and I'm not sure how my first love and my current love will get along. I want to go back but I'm just not sure I'm ready for the relationship to change. Before any of you start worrying, I'm talking about writing. But it does kind of remind me of girls who said they didn't want to date a guy who had been their friend because they didn't want to ruin the friendship. I never really got that, perhaps because none of my guy friends ever asked me out, but the thought did cross my mind. 

The relationship would definitely have to change. No longer could I treat my devotional writing casually, writing when I'm inspired. I'd have to be more committed to it because I'm thinking of being defined by it. I want to be published on my own as a devotionalist. I couldn't just dabble here and there like I used to, going for long periods of time without writing. It would have to become a daily practice to fit my dream. The dream is to be a published devotionalist that people want to keep reading new material from. I also love novel writing but I'm just not sure that relationship is going to last much longer.

It's sad to say but I'm just not sure I'm ready for a committed relationship with devotional writing. I'm comfortable with the "friendship" even as the dream calls to me. I've got characters in my third novel that need me to finish their stories. I know I can't give them the attention they need if I'm all wrapped up in this new relationship. 

(side note: because I'm comparing writing to relationships I now have a late 70's pop love/breakup song going through my head)

Sigh. Sure wish Mom was here to talk to about all this, because I know after she was done talking to me, she'd be talking to God. 

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