Wednesday, July 28, 2010
This week I took a walk in the natural wilderness area near Hart Park. There used to be a homeless camp that my brother lived in years ago. Curiosity had me checking tree trunks for some sign he had been there, like his initials. No signs my brother had ever walked those same dirt paths. It reminded me about something that happened when we were selling Mom's house after she passed. My realtor was having trouble with offers being rescinded after she did the disclosure of death as required by law. She started disclosing it right up front. No sense getting our hopes up that we had a sale just to have a buyer get the heebbie-jeebbies about a natural process. One lady said, "Really, someone died here? I don't feel her presence." I wasn't present but had I been I could have told her why Mom's spirit wasn't hanging out in her recently remodeled house with the hydrangea bedroom. She had a better Home waiting in Heaven. Think about it people. Why linger on Earth when you could be spending 24/7 (or whatever it is There) walking golden streets, listening to stories of saints and praising God? I can't think of a reason. I don't expect to feel my mother's spirit any of the places she's been just as I don't expect to visit here myself after I've gone.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Good morning everyone. It's been quite a week here. My husband and daughter started culinary school last week and they're bonding while the relationship between Kellee and I just gets more strained. But I'm still supporting her in her schoolwork and one of the things she needed was a flashdrive. Well actually she needed it back. She'd put some video of my mom on it for me and I'd been unsuccessful in transferring the files. Monday it was time to try again. Success! Didn't do anything differently so why'd it work this time and not before. Simple, I needed to be reminded of the truth in one of the songs Mom played. It isn't an easy video to watch because she's all bundled up even though Lois' home isn't cold and she misplayed notes she's known forever. But still this ailing little woman of faith sings about her Savior, Who is full of compassion and sees all our tears. She sings about trusting in Jesus, no matter come what may. "And trusting in Jesus I will not dispair for I am His child and for me He does care." Thanks Mom, I needed that. I'm finding out parenthood is not for the faint of heart. It's darn tough! Okay so it's something I've known for a long time. If the same issues were in my marriage I'd call it a testing of the vows but what vows did I take as a parent? I did dedicate her as an infant, promising to raise her according to the Word. I think I failed. I did my best but somehow ended up with an agnostic teenager who lacks consideration for me. Just keep telling her you love her. Wait, those words sound familiar. It was a conversation I wasn't suppossed to hear. Mom didn't know there were "ears in the cornfield" when she was talking to the youth pastor's wife about me. I can assure you I was not rebellious or disrespectful but it was a rough time in my life. I'd lost my father and was given alot of responsibilities, including some my older brother had flaked on. Maybe Mom was worried I'd end up like Paul. I'm not sure but she started saying "I love you." all the time. Not that my mom was unloving, but it seemed unnatural. It was good advice though. I've always told my kids I love them even after the door slammed behind an, "I hate you!" The doors haven't slammed in a while--now it's the silent treatment. I'm not hearing "I love you too" these days and I don't expect to. That's not my responsibility. I am called to love. So I will. My last, "I love you" was at least followed by a pleasant "bye" before Kellee hung up the phone to go to class. In the silences I will trust in my Savior as, "He brings sweetest comfort to (this) sad aching heart. ... For I am His child and for me He does care. Yes, you (Kellee) are His child and for you He does care."
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I knew I'd blog about my brother this week. I hope you don't mind that I said Wednesday and am not blogging til today--Thursday. You see I was busy working on my memoir yesterday. Today is the 13th anniversary of my brother's passing. It was a very difficult time for Mom. She'd prayed earnestly for her wayward son. (Paul became an alcoholic when our father died in 1982.) Mom told me once that Proverbs 3:5-6 was her life verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (NIV) She prayed all those years that God would put Paul on the straight path. It's clear she didn't expect her prayer to be answered the way it was. She was in denial of her son's death for about 4 years. I didn't realize it. I just knew we never talked about my brother. I was very quick to realize that God had put Paul in the ultimate rehab program. Sure I miss him and at times I wish he could be here telling you his story of redemption but that was not God's solution to my brother's exerise of free will fueled by the devil's deceit. I don't know how straight they are but Paul now walks on streets of Gold all because a mother prayed for 15 years. And finally a prodigal made his way home.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
My friend broke her foot recently and it brought back memories of when my mother broke her foot in 2004 or 2005. That doesn't sound right. It makes it seem like the broken foot was my mother's fault and it wasn't. She was at church and two ladies offered to walk her out to her ride. She tried to explain that only one needed to guide her but it was too late. The two ladies didn't work well together and tripped my mother causing a very painful break to her left foot. Natuarally I abandoned my family and went to stay with her for a few days. It wasn't long before she had a walking cast and was back to her normal independant self. We knew back then that the accident wouldn't have occurred (or at least had a less chance of occurring) if my mother had only one person guiding her. It dawned on me today that we tend to get tripped up when we listen to more than one voice. There is God's Voice and the sin nature. The Bible talks about God coming in a still small voice. It's been my opinion that the sin nature tends to talk in a very alluring tone. Still I know which Voice I want to follow. But when the sin nature insists on coming alongside I can get tripped up. It can be quite insistant and has been the cause of much pain. But, like my mother, I have faith in God Who will never leave me. He'll stay with me and help me do what it takes to get back on track.